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I have been thinking a lot about the darkness I see in others, which so many of us seem to have a hard time tolerating in this day and age. We just cannot tolerate other people’s trauma, which makes some sense when we struggle so hard to even tolerate our own. I had to get some of my own healing on board through faith, therapy, meditation, hard work, self-help books, and, honestly, fighting my way through a lot of shame, pride, shoulds, expectations, and anxiety to this new, strange, faith-filled place. But I credit my journey in faith with all of it. 

And living a life of contentment and acceptance is new territory for me. I don’t know what to make of it, I just know I am happier, more capable of calm, better at putting things into perspective, and more interested in slowing down to choose a response. 

Don’t get me wrong, I still have buttons and they still get pushed, but not like they used to. My God, not like they used to. There are many people in my life who are at the very least confused by this transition in my life. They’re not sure what to make of it. Some don’t like it at all. 

I have a lot of love for people who are walking around angry, critical, drunk, high, feeling powerless, lonely, or like life is unfair. I have tried all of those things to make me feel better and none of it worked, which only darkened my fear that things might never get better. 

Well, I am here to attest that things can and do get better, but with concerted effort. It takes sustained commitment to living differently and often without a clear path. The pain of staying the same has to be greater than the hardships of doing things differently, but once that happens, it becomes a grand adventure of sorts, opting for faith when feeling panic, choosing grace when someone is being a BLEEPhole, and grieving losses like questionable parenting or limited attachment to reach a place of forgiveness and healing. 

We can, will, and do change, it’s exciting, a relief, and honestly, quite disconcerting. Not just for ourselves but also for those around us. It makes everything uncomfortable and not usually for a short time, but in the end, it really does feel worth it. 

I also will admit that I spent several years having faith, trying new things, focused on growth, and somewhat concerned that things were actually getting worse, not better. The pain of staying the same started to look better than the confusion related to growth, but it was almost too late. Once I started forcing myself to believe, the rock was rolling down the hill, and I was kind of along for the ride. It was bumpy, it was unpredictable, but it has brought me to a better place where I do far less negative forecasting and a lot more having faith in the future.