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It took me a long time to admit that I spent many, many, many years walking around with a BLEEP poor attitude. I was selfish, I was petty, I was cruel, I had commitment problems, I was negative, I was controlling, I was judgmental, I was critical, I was childish, and many other things. And I had a really hard time looking at, let alone admitting, that any of those things about me were true for a variety of reasons.
First, many of the people around me were struggling with similar behavior. That’s not an attempt at placing blame elsewhere, but it is an important note about modeling. Our culture is increasingly selfish and many of us are quick to externalize blame. We want the world to change first, so that we can feel at peace enough to take a look at ourselves. It turns out, it doesn’t work that way.
Second, while I was acting like a giant BLEEPhole, I was also generous, hard-working, loving, caring, encouraging of others, hopeful (?), and I had many other qualities that meant very well. Unfortunately, looking back on it now, a lot of that effort was coming from a place of need or transactional thinking. I work my BLEEP off for you, so you will make me feel safe and do exactly as I wish at all times. Right? L…O…L…Z.
Third, there is a distinct difference between pulling ourselves up by our bootstraps, a relatively broken and destructive message from a blamey, avoidant, isolating culture, and taking responsibility for ourselves from a place of self-care. This one has been hardest for me to discern and I’m still working on it, but a useful resource for all who are curious is Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers. I highly recommend it for those ready for a self-compassionate attitude adjustment, but I also wonder if I had to spend quite a bit of time cultivating faith, a sense of safety, and openness, before I was willing to actually hear what Jeffers has to say.
It’s hard to look at ourselves when we feel unsafe all the time and our primary mechanism for creating “safety” is through criticism, irritability, blame, or trying to control others. There’s a fragile little ego in there underneath all that armor, and it needs love, care, and some semblance of faith that the future will be okay even if it relaxes and lets go. That’s a tall order for most of us, and faith in Good (or God, by all means, call it whatever you want) has been the only thing that has allowed me to shed some of that counterproductive behavior, let other people be who they are going to be, and have faith I can handle it and will flourish, learn, grow, and prosper no matter what. Because that’s really all faith is - the belief that we are going to be okay no. matter. what. happens.
Most of us struggle with that for good reason. Terrible things have already happened to us, around us, in the world, particularly when we were little, and we were not okay. We were scared, hurt, confused, betrayed, isolated, neglected, and so many other things. Life is full of hardship, warfare, racism, sexism, rape, murder, illness, and our modern media bombards us with the message that the world is not okay. The problem is feeling lost, hopeless, and helpless does not help us contribute to solutions.
When I started out on this journey to find faith, I just knew I wanted to feel better. I tried to keep it as simple and straightforward as possible. Just believe in Good, I told myself, which meant that if I focused on Good, good things would happen, and maybe eventually I would feel good, and who knows what else might come my way.
That is basically what has happened - my life is better, I feel better, I have learned a lot, and I am far less stressed generally speaking. I also have definitely not gotten my way all the time. I have definitely had unexpected turns of events. I have definitely still experienced fear and confusion. Faith in Good (or God) is available to me as a new tool, replacing the well-worn and counterproductive armor against the world I used to wear: judgment, criticism, negativity, bitterness.
I still have a lot to learn and who knows how far I have to go, but I am much more open to and excited about the unpredictability of life. If you’re struggling or feeling terrible or you’re lost and don’t know what to do, there are a lot of resources like this writing on finding faith in many forms. If God is unpalatable right now, it’s okay to just explore having faith in Good. It’s available to us all and it always will be.