An Appreciation for the Dark
People trapped in darkness often seem to have an active fear of the light. We know, deep down, the dark is where we belong and we continue to make choices to remain there. That is all we know; the light makes us uneasy. It forces us to look at ourselves, at our terrible choices, at our own self-sabotage, and that is incredibly difficult, scary, unsettling, or even downright terrifying for many of us.
I have made really poor choices in my life, primarily because they felt better or “right” for me at the time. That’s in part because I lived in darkness, without hope or faith in a positive future. I was insecure and afraid and I felt I didn’t deserve anything so good as light, hope, faith, love, commitment, trust, or success. Belief in Good or God made me incredibly uneasy. Why would I believe, if it could go away at any time? I didn’t want to get attached to very much, only to have it fail me (cough, cough, symptoms of trauma, cough, cough). I didn’t understand that a willingness to believe was all I needed for Good to get its hooks in me, and change everything.
But now that I do believe, it turns out that’s all I really needed. It’s so wild to be able to say that. It’s wild and wonderful and liberating. And part of that newfound faith has been some inevitable examination of my own past choices and scrutiny of my bad habits. We can’t dig a shell out of the sand without washing it off and looking at it in the light.
It’s interesting, stepping into faith. It feels so good that scrutinizing bad choices actually starts to feel good. Examining previous mistakes can actually be done with a lot of care and kindness and forgiveness. I have a lot of new awareness of how much blame I placed on myself, while trying to hold a light or be love for others, even while they were doing their own self-sabotaging. I carried a lot of weight for others that I can’t carry anymore. I can live in happiness and faith, even if they are choosing to stay in cynicism, self-destruction, and doubt in the dark.
I am increasingly aware of how those around me are resistant to Good or belief in God, and how married many are to negativity, just as I once was. In the past, I tried to help others, while stuck in the dark myself, and it didn’t work. It’s like two people stuck in an oil slick, trying to help each other out. It couldn’t possibly have worked, but I don’t regret the effort. My heart was in the right place, even if it was very much an exercise in the blind leading the blind.
For anyone reading this from a dark place, I can affirm that just the willingness to believe that you are worthy of Good, right from where you are, no matter how bad things have gotten, is all you need to get started on the path to faith. It’s like opening a closed door just a crack to let in some light. Just leave the door open, and see what happens.
I still make dark choices, but I am making fewer of them. I can feel myself trying to extricate my life, mind, body, and soul from the dark, like emerging from the oil slick, and I have to say, despite some real change and loss, it still feels good, hopeful, full of promise, and opportunity.