An Appreciation for the Dark

Break ups. Ick. Lost love. Incredibly sad times. Closed doors. Sigh. I am kind of annoyed to report that I feel grateful for them, too. There is nothing like a bad relationship and a cynical partner to eventually force us to make the changes we need to make, no matter how much we have resisted them.

Speaking from personal experience, people trapped in darkness fear the light. We know, deep down, that’s where we belong and we continue to make choices to remain in the dark. That is all we know, and the light makes us uneasy. The light forces us to look at ourselves, at our terrible choices, at our own self-sabotage, and that is incredibly difficult or scary or unsettling and even downright terrifying for many of us.

I have made terrible choices in my life, primarily because they felt “right” at the time, and that’s in part because I lived in darkness, without hope or faith in a positive future. I was insecure and afraid and I felt I didn’t deserve anything so good as light, hope, faith, love, commitment, trust, or success.

I doubled-down on bad situations or questionable people because our darkness was shared. Belief in Good or God made me incredibly uneasy. Why would I believe, if it could go away at any time? I didn’t want to get attached to it, only to have it fail me (Lord, if I don’t have some attachment trauma). I didn’t understand that a willingness to believe was all I needed for Good to get its hooks in me, and change everything.

But, now I do believe. It’s so wild to be able to say that. It’s wild and wonderful and liberating. And part of that newfound faith has been some inevitable examination of my own choices and scrutiny of my bad habits. We can’t dig a shell out of the sand without washing it off and looking at it in the light.

It’s interesting, stepping into faith. It feels so good that even scrutinizing bad choices feels good. Examining previous mistakes can actually be done with a lot of care and kindness and forgiveness. I have a lot of new awareness of how much blame I place on myself, while trying to hold a light for or love on others, even while they are doing their own self-sabotaging.

I have tried to carry a lot of weight for other people, but I am starting to understand I shouldn’t carry it anymore. I could never carry it to begin with. And I can’t live with anyone in the dark anymore, watching all our faithless choices, now that I can see and believe I am overdue for some Good. I am increasingly aware of how many of us are resistant to Good or a basic belief in God, and how married we are to the dark. We have tried to help each other, while stuck in the dark, and it didn’t work. It’s like two people stuck in an oil slick, trying to help each other escape. It couldn’t possibly have worked… but I don’t regret the effort.

For anyone reading this from a dark place, I can affirm that just the willingness to believe that you are worthy of Good, right from where you are, no matter how bad things have gotten, is all you need. It’s like opening a closed door just a crack to let in some candle light. I urge you to just leave the door open, peek your head out, do a little exploring without too much judgment (i.e., read a book on faith or recovery, listen to positive self-talk, keep reading this blog) and see what happens.

I still make dark choices, but I am making far fewer of them. I can feel myself trying to extricate my life, mind, body, and soul from the dark, like emerging from the oil slick. I have to say, despite some real change and loss, it still feels good and hopeful, full of promise, and opportunity.