Peace in the Moment
I think a lot of people come to therapy or to faith seeking the same, simple solution. We need and want a mechanism to find peace in the moment. We need a balm we can apply to a stinging, sometimes even burning emotional or mental wound. We, as a species, are becoming increasingly bad at soothing ourselves and each other, and the repercussions of that play out everywhere, all around us, all the time via the media, and only make the issue worse. We are driving ourselves and each other collectively batBLEEP, it seems.
I was just puttering around in my kitchen, waiting for water to boil for coffee, because I am totally insane and make coffee via cone drip, one cup at a time, and I noticed some crumbs under my toaster. Now, while I am doing all these simple, rote, quotidian things, I am also thinking about whether or not my partner loves me. He couldn’t possibly, based on the choices he has been making lately, and I just do not understand.
The great luxury of getting older, particularly for women, is that now I know myself well enough to know and feel my value deeply, so I know that I am worthy of love. But I also cannot convince someone to love me, that is a choice they have to make on their own. So, as I am sweeping crumbs off the counter into the palm of my hand and in a great deal of pain waiting for water to boil, it occurs to me that I am allowed to have faith that God will sort it out, and strangely I do actually feel better.
It’s weird for me to think such things. There is some cynical part of me that feels stupid in the moment and judges the use of the word “God” specifically. But I’ve also decided that to alleviate the complications of being raised as an atheist, at a bare minimum I should be allowed to believe in Good, and using God and Good interchangeably feels “allowed” and good enough for me. I easily could have thought to myself “Good will sort it out” but once the pain and strife of religion is removed, and the openness and possibility of a Universal Good is applied, it actually feels a little silly and exciting to use the word God.
And, saying that to myself in the moment somehow alleviated the pain of me obsessing over someone and something I cannot influence, fix, or change. I don’t know what he’s thinking, I cannot make him do anything, but as a human on this planet trying to enjoy and make the most of my time here I should, at the very least, be allowed to believe that things will work out and its not my job to fix it.