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Sometimes it can seem like self-help books are an exercise in trying to achieve purity or sainthood. Granted, that is a gross overstatement or overgeneralization, and I have gotten incredibly useful tidbits from many self-help books. But I also feel like many of them are ignoring the elephant in the room: we live in a broken culture, one that pays lip service to social justice and marginalized communities, but then often seems to continue to cater to the status quo. And many of us are consciously or inadvertently making choices that reinforce our own oppression or the oppression of others. We can’t have healthy relationships or healthy work or healthy lives if we are constantly working on ourselves but no one is working with us and the systems around us are not accepting responsibility for their role in our collective and shared dysfunction.
Happiness might be an inside job, but that’s also like saying make the most of these conditions, cuz they ain’t changing, sweetheart.
Dana Becker wrote an interesting book in the 1990s, called The Myth of Empowerment. It’s about women going to therapy individually to ameliorate themselves to collective symptoms that stem from a toxic culture. She posits that we might all feel better if we banded together to force collective change, rather than seeing shrinks one-by-one, asking What’s wrong with me? Help me feel better.
I run the risk of being part of the problem by advocating for all of us to just pray our way out of any problem. Sometimes, it takes more than prayer. My argument here is that we cannot help others if we do not fortify ourselves first. It’s easy to feel isolated, overwhelmed, and in a dark place in this day and age. Faith and prayer, in my view, is a decision to look for more in our everyday lives. It’s a path to hope and change, and a shift in perspective. Once we start seeing Good (or God) in the moments, opportunities, interactions, places, and even people (yes, people!) around us, we start to feel engaged and hopeful about life in ways that benefit ourselves and each other.
Faith and prayer is not a selfish act, in my view, and it’s also not about perfection. My faith is a messy practice, and it has not yet made me perfect. If anything, it’s allowing me to be more imperfect, to forgive myself and others faster for simple mistakes or misunderstandings and even egregious errors. It’s allowing me to be more myself, because I feel worthy of Good (or God) no matter what at this point. I keep BLEEPING up, I keep praying, and God (or Good) just keeps showing up. That, in turn, is giving me strength to do more actual Good for others, and not as an act of selfishness where reciprocation is required, but as a selfless act, because I have more faith in the support I will receive from Good (or God) alone. I can give more and need others less.
And while that may seem somewhat saintly, it isn’t. I assure you that it isn’t. I am not here to say you need to arrive at a place of unconditional love at all times in order to be happy. I am not here to give you day-to-day instructions on how to master faith or create a miracle. I genuinely believe the most important act in experimenting with faith is just to start praying, wherever you are, however much you need, hands together or apart, out loud or in silence. It can (and will) be messy. It’s almost better if it is. God (or Good) is harder to see in perfect surroundings or saintly behavior. Good (or God) can do a lot more damage in slapdash or dysfunctional circumstances.
The goal is not sainthood, perfection, or constant, unconditional love for ourselves or the broken BLEEPholes around us. The goal is having faith in the face of fear or heartache or failure. It’s the willingness to believe that makes a difference and the results are eventually astounding.