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Lately, I have been preoccupied with the perils of confusing self-improvement, therapy, or the pursuit of happiness with attempts to become better or more pure. 

Carl Rogers was an American Psychologist who developed person-centered therapy, which has heavily influenced general therapy in many ways. He believed that in order for all of us to live well and be content, we need to have congruence between our own self-image and that of the ideal self or who we aspire to be. If that image is unrealistic or includes a lot of imposed shoulds from family, environment, or culture, there can be significant incongruence between the real and idealized self. This leads to dysfunction, unhappiness, and behavior muddied by the disparity between the two. Therapy is intended to explore the space between the real and imagined self to create more alignment (i.e., congruence). 

I find this explanation of self-help very useful, because it makes clear (at least for me) that happiness is not about someday achieving the ideal self, but about exploring what standards we are holding ourselves to and why. 

Someone asked me recently, What nourishes you? and I didn’t have an answer to the question. I’m not going to lie; the cynic in me kind of hated the question to begin with, but once I got over my own judgment, I really couldn’t say. Not because I don’t know the answer, but because I’m not quite sure of anything now that I have some faith. I feel safe and comfortable enough to revaluate everything. Am I actually an extrovert or am I an introvert who seeks external validation? Do I actually like to cook or am I trying to impress others with my prowess in the kitchen? Do I need to make better choices or am I trying to be perfect? 

I have an affirmation app, I am, which I engage with daily. It’s just another useful layer in my desire to learn the language of kindness, approval, and positivity for myself and others. It’s hokey, it includes unicorns, I love it. But sometimes an affirmation pops up that really gives me pause. It will say something like, I am getting better and better every day and I have to pause and wonder, Am I getting better and better every day? Do I have to be getting better? Aren’t I really great right now just as I am? 

These affirmations, which are well-intended, spur me to contemplate my current state and whether or not it actually needs to be better or different in order for me to be more content or more happy. Because, honestly, I feel pretty good right now in life and I attribute that to having actual faith. Not a lot, but enough to be optimistic, hopeful, and patient. I have some hardships, but I know I am on a path to resolving them, because I have faith that this is true. I have prayed about the things that cause me pain and I am practicing real, concerted patience to actually let go and let God. I am optimistic about the outcomes being whatever I need them to be, no matter what. 

I think this all speaks to congruence and the ideal self Rogers included in his framework. It seems like therapy or self-help should be about exploring and accepting the real self, while reassessing the ideal. How much pain are we causing ourselves over standards set by others? Do we need to reevaluate what we aspire to? Do we need to set our aspirations (which often are just a knife edge away from judgments) aside while we explore our true selves? 

I think we all should be allowed that time. Some of us feel entitled to it and take that time early. Others of us, for a variety of reasons, are never allowed it. For many of us, the distance between the real and ideal self is causing a lot of strife. Taking a look at that disparity requires a sense of safety, stability, and security that I believe faith provides. So, if you haven’t already started dabbling in having faith, I think it’s a great place to start on a journey of self-discovery.