God Help Me

Sometimes, we don’t even know what we need. Sometimes, we get ourselves into such a tizzy over this, that, or another thing, we don’t even know what will solve a problem or help us feel better. This is a great time for what I will loosely refer to as mantra prayer. I have been walking around my house, and actually in my life in general, saying the equivalent of God help me, God help me, God help me, God help me. It’s a great alternative to worrying the BLEEP out of something or wondering how I’m going to solve a problem it’s pretty clear I cannot solve. 

Some people believe you should be able to say a prayer once, and if you’re faithful enough, put the issue down and walk away from it knowing God (or Good) will address it. Sounds real nice, but I am definitely not there yet. 

As a novice in faith, I trip over my own fears all the time. Sure, I think this blog has documented significant progress I have made and real instances of Good (or God) working with me in my life. But sixty days is nothing in the face of a lifetime of faithlessness, so I can and will do whatever I have to to soothe my spirit when the going gets tough. For me, that appears to be saying God help me, God help me, God help me, God help me as an alternative to worrying the BLEEP out of something I have no control over. 

It’s interesting; this week has been a struggle. A lot of things have come together to make me confront a real pattern in my life and see if I am ready to make a change. Yesterday, God hit me over the head with what happens when we cling to our patterns, even if they aren’t good for us. Lots of people do this, some with awareness, some without. A while ago, I prayed that I was willing to get rid of any and all negative patterns in relationships and then all this incredible, wild, and challenging stuff started happening. I have been given lots of opportunities, all of a sudden, to really release those patterns and embrace a new way of being. 

But, I have to say, that even though I know all this disruption in my life is Good-given and that I’m the one who prayed about being willing to release patterns or people that did not serve me, I’m still very tempted to play my role in old cycles. Some part of me knows my part in the chain of events that lead to dysfunction and heartache, and even though I know where it all goes and how painful it is, those cycles feel less scary than having faith and choosing to do something new. 

My Goodness, what strange creatures of habit we all are. 

Just yesterday, I really got hit over the head with it. I was in a room full of people talking about negative cycles and how hard they are to watch and break, while suffering from the turmoil of knowing I need to break my own. God is not always particularly subtle. I think the thing with old patterns, cycles, or habits is at least we know what’s coming. At least we know what is there to meet us on a well worn, circular path, and we can brace ourselves. To leave the path of a circuitous pattern that doesn’t serve us and step out into the great unknown is daunting, even with a little faith under our belts. 

But in my very simplistic version of faith, I basically believe God is just a force for Good in the Universe. It’s only here to serve me and make my life better, if I’m willing to believe in it and my worthiness of it. I get to falter, fail, make mistakes, and as long as I turn to the Universe and ask for help, I will get it. 

So, I know what to do. I know I need to just lean even further into faith, choose a different path, and keep praying. God help me, God help me, God help me, God help me.