Hearts of Darkness
Yesterday, I ran into an acquaintance and they asked me how I was doing. I made a joke about my life, which made them laugh, but afterward I found myself contemplating my own sense of humor. I am a somewhat funny person who comes from a long line of very funny people, but let me tell you, our humor is based entirely on the worst case scenario in any given situation. We are masters of imagining what could go wrong.
And I found myself, while driving home, wondering, do I have to give up my sense of humor in the name of being positive? What a fascinating quandary. Something that brings a great deal of laughter or joy to my life and to those around me might actually be doing me more harm than good. This is one of many interesting layers to building faith. It starts to feel like a fire sale: everything must go!
I’ve always marveled at the pain hidden behind incredible talent. It’s true for comedians in particular, but other forms of entertainment as well. We have lost many artists and entertainers far too soon, which highlights the fact that we can be wildly successful by cultural standards and still be in an enormous amount of pain. Whitney Houston comes to mind. Chris Farley is another. Heath Ledger… (three guesses which generation I hail from, btw).
When I was younger, I thought that as long as I found a skillset I could stand on, a role for myself in the world that I could be proud of, then I would be happy. But watching others who had reached the pinnacle of their profession fall prey to substance abuse and meet an early demise made me realize that my mother probably was right after all. Maybe we do just have to decide to be happy (man, I hated her for saying that). Sometimes it takes a lot of work and dedication and belief to get there, and not everybody does.
I run the risk of sounding Pollyanna-ish in the writing of this blog. In reality, having faith is hard and it is definitely not all sunshine and roses, just like the rest of life. It is a different kind of fight to have faith in the future and believe we are worthy of Good, but it’s still a struggle at times. We all experience significant loss, heartache, stress, or betrayal in our lives just by virtue of being human on this planet. Why on Earth would we believe in a God that allows any of it?
I have written before here that I think God or Good is less about a vindictive, bearded, all knowing wizard we must placate to gain favor and much more about are we willing to allow ourselves to believe in a positive future? Do we believe in Good on a basic, fundamental level? Do we believe that we are entitled to it as living, breathing creatures with limited time here on this planet? Forget about the wizard, what does he know? I fundamentally believe that if more people believed in Good and in doing Good, there would be less tragedy and pain for all of us to suffer through. We make our lives more difficult, less healthy, more unfair living like Goodless heathens, inflicting harm on ourselves and each other in the name of cynicism.
So, I’m not sure what to do about my self-deprecating humor. I’m not sure what to do about jokes made about literally everything going wrong. On the one hand, they’re usually hilarious (if I do say so myself). It’s funny in the moment. On the other, it’s actually starting to feel strange and incongruous to say such negative things out loud in the name of getting a laugh.
This is the wicked part of having faith. The whole goal is to enact change, but once it starts happening, it unfolds in unanticipated ways and touches every part of our being. For most of us, this is disconcerting. Even if we’re building toward a more positive future. Especially then. We have to get ready to change. We have to get ready to give up habits, places, people, things that our darkness holds dear in the name of making room for more light. It takes time, commitment, and a willingness to keep believing.