If I don’t have anything nice to say…
I am less apt to criticize others these days, and I’m not exactly sure why. It may just be as simple as “God is working in my heart” but that may not be enough for all you cynics out there. I genuinely do not think it’s about suppressing anything either. It may be that since I am making a concerted effort to see the Good all around and within me, that applies to other people, too. If I am trying to have faith in a positive future, I am less apt to be critical or negative about the intentions of others. If God (or Good) is the one with the Master Plan, I’m less inclined to be self-righteous, because it’s not all up to me. The stakes are not that high, because the stakes are not mine to begin with, therefore there is far less to get into a tizzy about and hardly any blame to go around.
I think, unfortunately, our culture teaches us to be incredibly critical. We learn “critical thinking” in schools, but we do not do enough to teach or reinforce resilience in children. Media of all kinds, but particularly social media, is constantly encouraging us to purchase more products and compare ourselves to others, which creates an endless pursuit of what I like to call “betterism.” Probably most of us can agree that perfection is impossible to obtain, but many of us spend a lot of time wishing we looked better, felt better, or that our lives could be better or different, all of which is the antithesis of self-acceptance, a cornerstone of well-being. Without concerted effort or actual education in how to counteract all this negativity, it’s very easy to internalize, and then aim at ourselves or others.
But as I practice meditation, prayer, and spend a lot (and I do mean a lot) of time and energy focusing or re-focusing on Good, the less critical and judgmental I have become. Good includes a lot of forgiveness for ourselves and others. I do a lot more I’m sure they meant well and they are doing their best, just like the rest of us. I have more patience, too. Re-focusing, I would argue, is the most important piece of this puzzle. It includes forgiveness for my own slips into irritability, selfishness, and negative assumptions. I am allowed to be flawed, I am allowed to be grumpy, I am allowed to make mistakes, but I am also allowed to take another look at how I’ve painted a situation, say a prayer, and wait to see what happens next.
Does this mean that I am a door mat? Not really. On the contrary, I think I am better at speaking up for myself in ways that people will actually hear me. No one responds well to anger or criticism. Literally no one. Such behavior creates knee-jerk defensiveness in others that is nearly impossible to penetrate and takes a lot of repair and damage control to get beyond.
I’m starting to think that the only real motivation for criticism is to inflict harm in a situation which we believe is impossible to change. It is basically an expression of our lack of self-worth, an expression of our fears about our own value. It is an expression of a lack of faith and it’s almost a form of bullying - to make ourselves feel big when otherwise we feel small. It’s an exercise in trying to wield power over someone else to force change, which is basically the same as believing we have to do everything all by ourselves, there is no God (or Good), and we are angry about it.
So, I have decided that I refuse to participate in criticism on principle, and that’s because I don’t feel small in my life anymore. I feel worthy of Good (or God) and all it has to offer. If I don’t have anything nice to say, I just won’t say anything at all, which will be an interesting exercise. I am a potent personality and I am capable of being self-righteous, so I will have to look at any anger that arises.
My guess is that most anger is based in a fear of the future, a fear that we are on our own, or a fear that Good (or God) has abandoned us. The goal here, I think, is to continue practicing the assumption that God (or Good) will take care of any problem if we pray for help and guidance (read: if we take a few deep breaths, then wait and see). I am learning that solutions always present themselves eventually, so I am curious to see what happens when a criticism bubbles up in my constitution, how I handle it, how God handles it, and what happens next.
All I can say, once again, is pray for me.