Inner Piece

A big, fat piece of this building faith puzzle is our internal self-talk. If we come from childhood stress or trauma, odds are we talk to ourselves like shadows from our past:

Our abusive, victim-mindset father

Our hypercritical mother

A jaded, cynical teacher

Our privileged childhood bullies

We relive that harm over and over and over and over again. Their voices monitor everything we do and find it lacking. Worse still, it may even seep out of ourselves and get aimed at others through us. I have found faith to be a cornerstone of counteracting this horseBLEEP.

I can’t tell you the number of hours I have spent re-programming my inner self-talk. So many hours - listening to books, listening to positive self-talk affirmations, praying, and re-parenting myself. I have to be clear about the reality of how much work it is to choose to do it differently. It takes significant commitment, but it also BLEEPING works.

I cannot tell you how stressed I was as a child, in my teens, in my twenties, even in my thirties. It was exhausting because there was no rest, no hiding, no place to go to get comfort, internally or externally. Because of the internal self-talk, even externally sourced comfort was brief, not enough, or I dismissed, doubted, or criticized it. It is painful to think about and it’s also painful to experience others doing it now.

At some point a few years ago, I thought, BLEEP this. I can’t live like this anymore. I’m just going to force myself to believe life can get better and there is a God (or Good) out there, and see what happens.

Just the option of prayer and asking for help became a lifeline to option B. Option A sure as BLEEP hadn’t been working and finally there was an alternative. That opened up a pathway to letting go, acceptance, commitment to my dreams and goals - just so many other things. I can’t say enough good things about the willingness to suspend disbelief in the spiritual option and just do it, even if the cynic in me thought it was lame or dumb and I was full of doubt.

I was suddenly allowed to believe that maybe, just maybe, there was Good (or God) in the Universe and it would vote for me if I voted for it. Then I was also allowed to experiment with outcomes when I imagined the best happening, not just the worst. I committed to being positive and focusing on Good (or God) because why the BLEEP not?! I was even able to force myself to wait and see what happened after having faith and saying a prayer, rather than forcing solutions.

A lot has changed in my life for the better. You have no idea. I am literally living the life I prayed I would live in my twenties, when I had no idea how to get there. And I will be honest, I have also lost a lot, because I have changed. There are just some people, places, and things I cannot tolerate having in my life, because now I know they are bad for me and I have no way to change that. And that’s okay, too.

One of the most important things that has changed fundamentally has been the way I talk to myself. My internal monologue defaults to support, to compassion, to a positive coach on the sideline saying “are you gonna get back out there?! Nobody talks to you that way! Nobody! Get back out there and break some legs!”

Well, maybe it’s not that aggressive, but you get the idea. I no longer cut myself down before anybody else can do it. I don’t dismiss compliments anymore, I own them. I like myself and if other people don’t like me, I wonder what is wrong with them, rather than what’s wrong with me.

I’m not advocating for being a complete BLEEP, but I do think a lot of the walking faithless spend our whole lives being cut down, cutting ourselves down, and cutting others down. Many of us walking faithless confuse confidence with arrogance. We don’t even know what confidence looks like, but we know it makes us uncomfortable.

And confidence, real confidence, has nothing to do with cutting others down or making sure the people around us seem smaller. Real confidence is built in faith, believing there is enough to go around for everyone, and we can build upon ourselves while supporting and building others up. There is enough, with faith, for everyone.

So, if you spend a lot of time being cruel to yourself and/or others, might I suggest experimenting with faith for a change. It may put you on a path to inner peace grounded in self-love and belief in a positive future, spoken in a voice that’s full of strength and compassion and faith.

And remember: Nobody gets to talk to you that way. Nobody.