On Boundaries & Belief

One principle in the recovery world is the practice of letting go, and letting God. This doesn’t just apply to drugs or alcohol. It applies to vices of any kind: worry, fear, anger, sex, love, work, and even people. Especially people. 

I have been writing about how having a spiritual practice and building faith strengthens us. We can feel more willing and able to stand on our own two feet, more willing to test the winds of fate and see what happens, more willing to set boundaries believing in Good (or God) and that we are worthy of it. 

Without faith, I felt like I had to do all the work by myself, so I did everything. I tried saving relatives when I thought they could not save themselves and I believed no one or nothing else would. I worried about my parents more than I worried about myself. I encouraged other people’s passions but neglected my own. And my favorite: I asked myself out on dates on behalf of other people. The list is kind of hilarious, somewhat embarrassing, and endless. 

I did all this work because I just didn’t believe anything would pan out well unless I was a very active participant. I thought I was helping. I thought it was because I had more energy. I thought I was being a good person, friend, partner, family member, or daughter. I also was afraid of failure or dysfunction or unpredictable outcomes. It was almost certainly a manifestation of fear and control due to trauma of varying kinds.  

I have realized over the years that sometimes the most respectful and encouraging thing we can do for ourselves and each other is to just let go and see what happens. I feel safer now with faith, and with that safety comes the willingness to stop getting involved so much and let others, particularly God, do more of the work. I set boundaries for myself and for other people by deciding I will not get involved in certain scenarios or by telling other people exactly what I want and need and letting them decide what to do about it. 

For a long time, I never really understood exactly what setting boundaries even meant beyond just telling someone no. I thought that was the basic gist of it, and it seemed quite negative. No, I can’t help you with that. No, I refuse to get involved. No, I am not going to wash your car. Boring. 

It turns out setting boundaries can and maybe even should also include a pretty clear explanation of who we are, what we want, what we need, and why we’re not willing to settle for less. It can include what we are capable of doing and what we are not capable of doing. But the crux of the issue when it comes to setting boundaries and why people without faith are often SO bad at this is because we don’t actually know who we are, what we want, what we need, and why we deserve it. 

It’s hard to establish a strong sense of self when living in fear in a faithless life. It’s hard to believe in a positive future when operating as if disaster is imminent. It’s hard to believe in Good or that we are worthy of it if we come from trauma, have experienced hardship, or been fundamentally betrayed in some way.

Being willing to toy with the idea that everything that happens to me, good or bad, is because of a benevolent force working constantly in my favor has been the deciding factor in me embracing myself, believing in me and my future, and getting to know myself through experiences I now wholeheartedly believe were necessary (one could even argue, were sent to me - gasp!) as an exercise in spiritual growth and development. 

Don’t get me wrong, some of these experiences have been BLEEPING brutal. Just heartbreaking. But when viewed through the wackadoo lens that they were sent by a benevolent God (or Good) hellbent on helping me feel better about myself and my future, I have learned a whole lot about myself, my needs, what I’m searching for, what makes me tick, what makes me happy, what makes me sad, and what I simply just cannot tolerate anymore. 

And now I feel more than willing and able to be clear about all of those things with others. Whether or not it works for them isn’t up to me. This is where letting go and letting God really comes into play. It’s my job to know myself well and to speak clearly and kindly to others about who I am, what I want and need, and what I cannot do. I feel capable of doing that now, but I didn’t always.

Whether people want to live within that boundary or not isn’t up to me. It’s up to God (or Good), and I can’t do any of that work in their hearts and minds, only God can. And honestly, I am totally relieved that BLEEP really isn’t up to me or how hard I try anymore. 

So, if it isn’t clear by now, I highly recommend dabbling in having faith. I highly recommend just testing it out with an open heart and mind as an exercise in self-exploration, self-definition, and self-expression. It’s a way to love ourselves and others better. It’s a way to build strength and define character.

Gradually, we may even come to trust that God (or Good) can work in the hearts, minds, and lives of others on our behalf, and trust that whether someone stays or goes, its for the best. We may also find, as we let go and let God do more of the work, that we have more time and energy to focus on ourselves, our passions, and our futures while getting more of what we want and need out of life.