On Psychological Safety

Psychological safety starts with self-compassion, which is a foreign concept to many in this day and age. It’s very difficult to make sound decisions if we’re operating with an inner demon that is questioning, deriding, criticizing, or taunting our every move. This caustic critic that many of us carry with us and many of us actually use to get a great deal done in any given day is also the underpinning of addictive behavior. 

One part of us is aware that a certain behavior, be it over spending, shooting heroin, or loving someone terrible for us is a baaaaad idea. Another part of us really wants to stay involved with the toxin for reasons too numerous to mention here - the primary one that it feels good in the moment. A third part, the critic, some terrible, noxious slurry of a mean spirited caregiver, parents incapable of civilized conflict (whether partnered or separated), or culture, criticizes all our options. We live in a state of damned if we do, damned if we don’t. Nothing is ever good enough. We can’t win… until we silence the inner critic. 

It can be silenced in two ways. 

Option One: it can be silenced temporarily through our addictions. Spend money we don’t have - ahhh. Drink another beer when we said we wouldn’t - ahhhhhh. Text someone who is only offering breadcrumbs, and definitely not a seat at the table - aaaaahhh. But that high/reprieve only lasts so long, then the critic returns, the cycle of should I or shouldn’t I? begins all over again. Exhausting.

Option Two: Love the ever loving BLEEP out of ourselves. All our parts, even the critic. The only way to shut that demon up is to get compassionate all up in there. Self-hate, confusion, and chaos is the house where demons live. Loving kindness demolishes it brick by brick.

How do we go about doing that? By being kind to all parts of ourselves, even that nasty, little driver hellbent on making sure we have a bad time. We say encouraging, thoughtful things to every millimeter of our being, ad nauseam, over and over and over again, until we achieve some self-trust and self-soothing. 

You want to have that muffin, even though it’s full of fat and sugar? Go ahead. I will still love you. If you gain weight, I will love you anyway. If you become morbidly obese, I will love you anyway. It’s okay now, you are safe here. 

You want to drink a bottle of gin and forget your sins? It’s okay to feel that way. It makes sense. You are in a lot of pain, you’ve made a lot of mistakes, but I still love you anyway. You can drink the gin or not drink the gin, but I’m not going anywhere. 

You want to go back to that terrible partner who said horrible things about who you are and what your dreams are? You can if you want. Remember that if you do, you run the risk of another heartbreak, just like all the times before. You can go back or you can stay here, and I will remain. I will love you anyway. 

You get the idea. Everyone’s inner cheerleader or internal best friend sounds different, so it’s important to just experiment with it, but the goal is that for every fear, doubt, worry, and miserable moment, we practice loving kindness toward ourselves. 

Most of us don’t know what that looks like or sounds like or feels like internally - if we did, we wouldn’t be in a constant battle with ourselves - but we probably have had encounters in the wild, on television, with a random neighbor or caregiver or a moment on the street, with a partner, friend, or family member who truly loved us and did something that struck a chord so deep that some beautiful, awful feeling welled up within us. 

For me, it was a Physician’s Assistant who said something with such a compassionate tone that I thought I bet she is a really good mother and instantly felt crushed by that knowing. I may never see her again, but I can carry her voice around with me until I cultivate enough of my own. 

A few moments a day are not enough. Ideally, we are practicing it constantly, both to drown out the demons within and as rehearsal for when the BLEEP hits the fan. Practice, practice, practice.

It’s all about compassion first, then self-esteem, authenticity, self-awareness, maybe even confidence later. It’s really hard to make good choices for ourselves in the long-term if we are driven to seek immediate soothing, just trying to get a short break from an inner demon, in the short-term. 

Try to love all parts of yourself first, and just see what happens.