On Seekers & Seeking

The one thing about seekers, such as ourselves, is that sometimes we don’t even know what we’re looking for. Sometimes, it becomes about the search, rather than the finding. I think I may have reached a new level of faith recently, and of course it came out of some rather sad times. 

I don’t want to give sad times all the credit, and, in fact, it would be inaccurate for me to do so. As I have cultivated faith over the last two plus years, I have been able to gather more meaning and attribute more hardships to lessons learned rather than to despair. I have incrementally made meaning out of blunders, triumphs, and disappointments, which I wasn’t really doing before. In my commitment to just believing, I started attributing everything to meaning or purpose, which has done me wonders in terms of reframing epic failures or confusing phases in my life. 

Like a hound dog sniffing around for something important, I have woven back and forth in my life, regardless of the circumstances, trying to find some answers, trying to find an explanation, and more importantly, trying to find a balm or curative property to apply to whatever the BLEEP really ailed me, deep down, within.

There are videos of dogs searching endlessly to find a tennis ball sitting in plain sight, and I realize now my own efforts to find Good (or God) may have been similar. Hilarious, and a little sad. I can’t really fault myself, just like we can’t fault the dog who doesn’t even know what it is searching for, but once found, oh, the relief. The satisfying plop on the ground to gnaw away on that tennis ball, which I guess, in this metaphor, is God (or Good). 

I have done two things recently that I think have changed my outlook, optimism, and patience considerably. One is, whenever I am remotely pissed, irritated, confused, or otherwise kerfuffled by someone or something, I chose to aim loving energy at that person, place, or thing. As soon as I notice judgment, irritation, unfairness, lack of understanding, pain, or dysfunction in my own system, I try to realign it to just loving at them instead. I am included in this energy shift. I love at myself sometimes when I realize I am in pain, and it feels good, so I aim to do more of it whenever I can. 

This isn’t really an exercise in sainthood. I’m not trying to get good with God (or Good) so I can get through some pearly gates later (I’ve heard that’s a thing). I am just BLEEPING tired of being angry or hurt or confused, which are all states of interpretation of my own doing. I am tired of my own Me Mantra. I am tired of that little gremlin within who always wants more and never has enough, and it seems like the fastest way to shut that little bugger up is to just choose love. It’s annoying, and difficult, but it stems from this poem I read a few many days ago that really struck a chord when other versions of the same idea have not. I probably was just ready to hear it:

Wellness Check 

by Andrea Gibson

In any moment, 

on any given day, 

I can measure 

my wellness

by this question:

Is my attention on loving, 

or is my attention on 

who isn’t loving me?

Now, don’t get me wrong. Part of applying this philosophy is ENTIRELY self-serving. No matter how much thinking or worrying or emotioning or flailing about in my life I did, I rarely could ever get people to do what I want or understand me. No amount of mental gymnastics made a difference.

Loving people who seem broken or infuriating or incoherent or fearful or angry or confusing is actually way BLEEPING easier than some sort of interpretive emotional or psychological dance I may have attempted in the past to influence the outcome. Just loving a person no matter where they are in my life or what they want or who they are is much easier and more idiot proof. I have one option, rather than 237.

My hope is this one option will both be easier for me AND who knows how it might positively impact my approach, my presence in life, or relationships with others. I have to say, I am enjoying it a great deal. It just feels better than all the alternatives. 

I think this choice stems from a bigger step I’ve taken in tandem, and it’s interesting that they appear to be taking shape in my life and journey in faith at the same time. I’ve just kind of accepted God(or Good)’s plan for me without question. Whatever God wants for me in my life, I have faith it’s part of my destiny. Whatever skills I have that life encourages, whichever people show up and stay, whatever opportunities arrive while I am focused on faith, love, and generosity I will embrace as God (or Good) given opportunities and follow the path. 

I think this is what all the spiritual masters are talking about. They speak endlessly about acceptance, surrender, about embracing our destiny, about letting go of ego, and about detaching from outcomes. And I never really understood what that meant or how to get there, but after 10 years of speculation and 2 years of active attempts at engaging with faith, I do actually feel like I have arrived at some place of understanding. 

Now, I have no question that my faith still has further depths to explore. This is certainly not an announcement that I have found God (or Good) and can stop searching. The experiment continues. And despite the fact that it took me two years of experimenting to reach some state of peace and love, this is meant to be an encouragement to all of you to keep searching.

You may feel like one of those hapless canines (why is it always a Golden Retriever?) roving a short shorn lawn in search of something you can’t even identify, but I assure you, the search is part of the process, and once you find what you are looking for, it’s extraordinarily satisfying. The arrival, just like the journey, is real.

No doubt God (or Good) might take faith away from us, and toss it elsewhere, and we may have to search for it again, but at least next time, we will better know what we are looking for.