On Surrender
When I say this BLEEP is hard, surrender might be the hardest BLEEPING part. It’s so hard, it makes me cuss more.
The funny thing about the Universe is that I now genuinely believe that it will give us whatever we focus our energy and attention on. I believe, after many experiences with it, that manifestation is real. I can’t tell you the number of times I have asked for something or prayed for it or focused on it and bingo! It appears in my life.
For better… or worse.
That’s the trouble with the ego. What humanity lacks in self-awareness it makes up for with chutzpah, ingenuity, and self-righteous self-centeredness. We can’t help ourselves! We have opposable thumbs! We have a brain more magnificent and complex than any supercomputer! Look at what we’ve done! Aren’t we amazing! We’ve invented the combustion engine, the microchip, traveled to space, made movies, and started and ended wars to name just a very few things.
But we also don’t know BLEEP about contentment or peace of mind or having or building faith. This damn brain of ours drives us mad with perceived slights, worrisome possibilities, or ruminations on the past, real or imagined. We spend billions of dollars on self-help, trying to get back to a state of being similar to a doe munching grass in a field. Being present. Living in the moment. Ahhhhhh… Surrender.
Of course, many of us don’t get to a place of surrender without a fight. Some of us have to get punched down by the hard knocks of life. Some of us are just faking it ’til we make it. Others are in complete denial about how miserable we are and therefore surrender is totally unfathomable. We cling tightly to our own self-importance and agency, even while making choices that go against our best interests or get us into situations bound to cause us pain. We try to force solutions or exert our will over others or prove our value.
I am guilty of all of these things, especially after I realized just how powerful my own will really is and just how responsive the Universe can be. I have gotten exactly what I’ve wanted on many occasions, only to realize it didn’t actually work for me or I didn’t know how to make the most of it. It has been extraordinarily painful and revealed some of my deepest flaws.
That’s the trouble with faith. There are a lot of layers. It takes concerted effort and practice to turn our will over to God (or Good) over and over and over again. It’s easy to get deterred, especially when our prayers are being answered, because things can still go astray or feel terrible after we get a little bit of what we want. True faith, I’m starting to realize, really is about Jesus taking the wheel, but preferably before the car goes off the road. Like, way before. Ideally, when we get our learner’s permit on the road of life.
Fortunately, I’ve reached a point in my life where I am tired of getting what I want, because it’s only led to confusion and heartache. I have driven down more back alleys, dead-ends, and roads to bump-BLEEP-nowhere on a mission to find myself than you can imagine. I think I’ve finally reached that very important point in my life where I don’t even give a BLEEP and it really is all up to God (or Good) now. I have so much faith in Good (or God) that I’m willing to just surrender all of it.
So, I hereby turn everything over to Good (or God) to see what happens with my life. Perhaps I will finally get what I need rather than what I think I want.
You are all witnesses. Let’s see what happens together, shall we?