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My journey in faith has kind of been BLEEPING hilarious. I’m not a snake oil salesman or a complete and utter nutball, and I am by no means perfect. This is sort of like reading about someone getting their BLEEP together in real time. I give y’all credit for sticking with me.
That being said, the only reason I am offering this material for the consumption of others is that by choosing to experiment with having faith two years ago, my life has become significantly better despite trial, error, failure, heartbreak, and general dysfunction. God be working in mysterious ways, y’all.
One thing I am leaning on pretty heavily right now is that I am still doing TOO MUCH. I am a meddlesome mother-BLEEPER, I tell you what, and after getting a whole lot of prayers answered in very confusing fashion, I almost want no part of asking for anything, because I officially have NO IDEA what I actually want or need anymore. I have gotten so many prayers answered and still feel discontent, which makes it clear that I have been putting the cart before the horse this whole. time. What a pain in the BLEEP.
In the last two years, I had really big prayers answered, and I got my heartbroken in ways you can’t even imagine. It speaks volumes of the extent to which I have been practicing having faith, because I actually came out of the situation with more faith than ever before. This is in large part because I had been laying ground work in building faith for quite some time already, but also because I have faith in that love to this day, despite the heartache that came with it. I also had several career prospects delivered on silver platters, only to realize they were not enough, because they did not serve a higher calling.
God has been watching me pray my little BLEEP off, well aware that I have no plan, no foresight, no BLEEPING idea what I am doing, and because God is Good and vice versa, all my prayers have been answered and have only served as big fat lessons in what faith really is all about.
I have been listening to a lot of Wayne Dyer books on Audible while in the car. It may just be because the man is full of self-centered wisdom and has a soothing voice. He sounds the way I imagine God sounds, and I’m sure he would laugh at that. His work started in personal development but evolved over time to the purely spiritual, and I understand that progression.
Psychology and self-help do a great deal for people, but we routinely shy away from faith in treating people with mental health issues, and that seems like a fundamental failure in those industries. Granted, people have to arrive at faith on their own, and it’s pretty hard to bill for it, so I get why it’s problematic in healthcare. You can’t prescribe faith and prayer to someone who isn’t willing, interested, or ready. But for those seeking solace, calm, and respite from their troubles, faith is often the solution after all else has failed. It’s a crying shame we can’t start there and save the suffering some time.
Like anything, faith takes practice. I am learning, after two years of building faith, I have only just scratched the surface. I am not a spiritual person after two years of prayer. I have road rage. I am judgmental and sensitive and I overthink the BLEEP out of everything. I get scared all the time. I second guess strong signals from the universe ON. THE. REGULAR.
God must be like, “What in my name is she doing down there now?”
I don’t know, God. I don’t know. But I have faith and I am not perfect and I am trying, and that’s all that we can ask of ourselves and each other in faith sometimes. Sometimes, that’s plenty good enough.