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If you had asked me last week, I would’ve said that part of the spiritual process is accepting that God does not operate at the same speed as the rest of us. I even made a note to myself to write about the fact that we live in the time of high speed internet and God be working slooooooooow.
But, based on circumstances that arose this week, that may not be the whole picture. Last week, I felt prepared to just completely accept my fate and do as God (or Good) will’s it, which is definitely part of the process. There’s a reason why so many gurus, self-help or spiritual, spend time obsessing over letting go or allowing or surrender.
Free will is BLEEPING powerful, man, and it gets us into all kinds of trouble. I hate to admit it, because free will feels so Gahd damn important to mankind, particularly in the United States, but as soon as we let it go, things start to happen around us on the spiritual plane. It may be that the deeper we fall into content surrender, the faster God gets to work or the more swiftly Good can do Good for us.
The past two or three weeks are a perfect example. I grew up in a musical family, but my own form of rebellion was to become a jock. I spent most of my life terrified of singing in front of people, but challenged myself as an adult to take lessons, do karaoke, and start singing at open mic nights. I let go of that hobby for a time, but after enduring profound heartbreak, I have consciously tried to use the experience as a way to strengthen, rather than diminish my relationship with Good (or God).
Recently, I felt directed back to singing only. And when I say recently, I mean, like, three weeks ago. I asked for signs and I got them. I ran into people from the music world I knew and had not seen in a year. I had people telling me they missed my presence at open mic nights. All signs pointed to a hobby I had lost track of, distracted by other things. If given my ego’s first pick, singing would not be it, because it had been preoccupied with other skills.
This week, I returned to singing and I sang better than I ever have before, because I understood I belonged there. Is singing my ego’s first choice? No, in fact that little gremlin had many doubts and several other obsessions. But because I felt guided there by the Universe or God or Good or Whatever I Want to Call It, I felt I should be there and I had to accept it as part of my path in ways I had not before. And that evening, I sang well, felt content, and I also met someone who wants to sing with me, teach me more about music, and make me laugh.
I’m not sure what to make of it. Talk to me next week and I may report that God (or Good) is absolutely batBLEEP. But I doubt it. I fundamentally believe I was meant to be there and expand my connections and opportunities in that world and I don’t even know why. I don’t even care.
Only the ego asks why. Only the ego wants more or better or different. I just feel grateful that I’m paying attention and starting to discern the difference between God (or Good)’s will for me and my own ego’s obsessions.