13

Tomorrow, I will have been writing this blog for fourteen days.

Fourteen days feels like a milestone. It is, but it’s also a tiny one. That doesn’t really matter, because it seems like some of the biggest components to having faith are commitment and lack of judgment.

Thirteen days ago, someone very important to me basically said, “I don’t believe in you.” To say OUCH would be a gigantic understatement.

The thing is, for most of my life, I have been saying very similar things to myself, either directly or indirectly. I had serious doubts about my dreams and goals. I would think things like, this is your fault, you messed this up or I can’t handle this. In the past, I had very little faith in myself or my future. But to have someone who mattered to me say it out loud was incredibly painful, and it made me confront whether or not I believe in myself and my future now, no matter what anyone else thinks. 

And these days, I do. 

I believe in the meaning I’ve created in my life through purpose. I want to help as many people as I can. I believe seeking and finding faith is a worthwhile cause in my life and that this documented journey might also serve others who are lost like I have been. 

And I have to say, even in the last thirteen days really lovely, serendipitous things have happened to me to confirm that I am indeed on the right path. I have been exploring having faith and being positive for the last two years. It sounds cliche, but I read a book that forced me to be open to the possibility of having faith, and my life hasn’t really been the same since. My practice so far has been somewhat vague and meandering, but also meaningful. It also was still full of fear and doubt. My faith still lacked commitment and was still full of judgment. 

But this recent, very direct challenge to my dreams and my future made me inclined to double-down and go all-in on the path I have imagined for myself. I chose to commit to my dreams and my faith in a positive future, no matter what. I answered the call, so to speak, and I am proud of myself. This blog is a record of what happens next, now that I have foresworn doubt and chosen to just have faith, come hell or high water. This is a record of what that looks and feels like, day-to-day. 

This feels like a grand adventure. I am excited, and I genuinely feel like the Universe brought that person into my life to look me in the eye and say, “I don’t believe in you.” It forced me to choose to believe in myself. This is what I mean when I say that even heartache serves us. If we have a little glimmer of faith in Good or God or a positive future, it’s much more likely that we will choose ourselves and our dreams, rather than fear, doubt, or darkness. Two weeks in and I still believe, now more than ever, and my God, isn’t that is something.