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It’s interesting how dedication to a spiritual life is akin to taking on important pieces of different kinds of therapy all at once. Prayer is essentially affirmations and positive self-talk with some loving-kindness meditation thrown in for good measure. 

The willingness to believe, to have faith in a positive outcome, and all the patience, reframing, and de-catastrophizing involved could certainly be compared to the useful practices found in cognitive behavioral therapy. We have to wait for Good (or God or the Universe) to intervene on our behalf, and often while we wait, some continued prayer to resolve the problem undoubtedly occurs, but it also gives us time to reflect and re-evaluate our original perception of the issue. The prospect of Good working in our favor causes us to wait and see and perhaps even appreciate the outcome without expectations either way. 

Lately, I have unwittingly been performing loving-kindness meditation in the form of praying at other people. Let’s not take that literally, by the way. I am not walking up to local irritants speaking in tongues with my hand raised over their head, praying for their souls.

In the quiet of my own home and brain, it occurred to me that in order to really be willing to give up any pattern or problem in my life, first I had to really look at them and accept them as part of my reality. And then I started to pray about them. 

I prayed about all kinds of people in my life, even if I can barely stand the person. I prayed for the well-being of everyone involved in a negative pattern, no exceptions. And I have been doing this several times a day for a couple of weeks now. They are all included in my prayers. I imagine the people I love and the people that irk the BLEEP out of me. I imagine them smiling, successful, happy. And I can’t explain exactly how or why it is working, but by golly, it is. 

Now, I have to confess that this whole effort was undertaken in an exercise of extreme selfishness. I am in the middle of a spiritual overhaul, people, and I cannot be dragging this BLEEP around with me any longer. There’s no way to reach a higher level of being with pettiness or jealousy or envy or bitterness or resentment strapped to us like weights around our ankles. I have tried all kinds of other methods to solve the problem. Talking at it. Talking about it. Repressing it. Living in denial. Being bitter. Avoiding it. None of it worked (shocking, I know). 

I have tried loving-kindness meditation before, but without any grounding in faith. I didn’t get it. Sure, it felt generous to imagine someone else thriving or to contemplate a frenemy with compassion, but there was no consistency to the practice. I had not allowed myself to imagine it may actually induce change. Faith and a willingness to believe in a Universal Good has changed all that. 

This time, I turned to prayer, which is often the case for many of us (or all?) as a last ditch effort. How many times do those of us who struggle to believe get ourselves into a real bind and start praying our little BLEEPS off? God must be like, who dis? But, since Good and I have a bit of a rapport established now, I thought I might bring my problems there in the form of prayer. I want to release patterns that do not serve me. I am willing to do anything for change, including having faith and releasing resentments. I am willing to hold still and let Good do some work in my life. And, surprise, surprise, it’s working. 

It’s very odd. Very, very odd. Deeply unsettling in some ways, and such a relief in others. I feel released from patterns and dynamics and fears that seemed immutable not long ago. I feel a generosity of spirit toward people who have long vexed me. Maybe it’s because I feel like they are in God’s hands now. Their behavior or attitudes are no longer my problem. And maybe it’s because my behavior and attitude toward them has changed. I feel released from that bitter part of myself so entrenched in negativity or hopelessness or fear. 

Either way, I am so grateful.