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I have to say that bad habits, in their own way, are massively entertaining. Drama can be a high of its own. The roller coaster of interpersonal conflict can feel better than the alternative of solitude and calm, especially if the calm is its own kind of misery. If there is no calm even in the quiet, because wherever we go we bring with us doubt, self-criticism, worry, or fear, then its no wonder people start BLEEP for seemingly no reason at all. Sometimes at least drama is better than our own shadow. Maybe it makes us feel less alone.
I used to think of myself as a “relentless extrovert,” which is as exhausting as it sounds. Since finding faith, I am much more at peace with peace and quiet. I am not pinging my friends nearly so much anymore, and when my partner and I have a row, I go to my happy place: prayer and meditation. And, at this point, it really does help me feel better almost instantly.
Nothing has changed in my environment, except for that I feel at peace having asked for a solution from Good (or God) and living with faith that I will have an answer soon. I have had so many prayers answered at this point, doubting it feels like an absurdity, which is so odd given how much of my life I spent feeling the opposite. I once was very committed to the belief that God (or Good) did not exist and to imagine so was poppycock.
As an aside, I am so content that the residual cynic within finds me pretty BLEEPING annoying. Sometimes I worry that in a world full of cynics, people might stop inviting me to dinner parties, because my glass is annoyingly half-full. This BLEEP is real.
Don’t get me wrong, I have a lot of BLEEP going on in my life. Like, A LOT. I have hard times and I have situations beyond my control come up all the time. But prayer feels like active participation in predicaments in which I once felt powerless. I also feel more hope for the future despite uncertainty or big changes. I make bolder choices because I have less fear about the future and I also feel safer in my day-to-day life. I credit all of this newfound hope, optimism, stability, security, and self-worth to a baseline willingness to believe in Good (or God).
I feel so faithful that I have begun letting God (or Good) sort it out. If stuck in a complicated situation, I ask Good (or God) to choose the path that is best for me. If situation X is Good for me, let it work out in my favor. If it isn’t, I ask Good (or God) to remove it from my life, and then I keep praying and breathing and trying to have faith while it sorts itself out. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I still feel deeply unsettled, but I do rely more firmly on faith to sort out issues, and that at least prevents me from blaming myself or trying too hard or lamenting an outcome. It creates space, time, and a bit of peace between me and the matter at hand, which is sometimes all we need.
So, if you find yourself mired in drama or unsettled by peace and quiet, I strongly encourage a little “fake it til you make it.” To a lifelong cynic, prayer at first feels silly and pathetic and useless, but it’s also better than ruminating alone or starting BLEEP with others to avoid loneliness. It’s a gesture in peaceful, proactive interaction with life, and gives us cause to start waiting and searching for a positive outcome, which is a big deal when starting out in a dark place.
I can’t and won’t promise things will change overnight. That’s a big ask, even for God (or Good). Changing habits, developing a relationship with Good, and building faith takes time and patience and, well… faith. But humor me a little bit here when you’re feeling lonely or mired in drama and give prayer a whirl sometime. That simple act alone might change everything.