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I can’t tell you the number of times I have ignored obvious directions from God. There could be a series of billboards on my morning commute giving me guidance stating explicitly what I should do in a variety of situations and I might still do the exact opposite. Most self-help gurus would probably call this “ego-driven” behavior and Lord knows I probably can’t argue with that.

I still need to mull over why I am so insistent in driving in the wrong direction or following a darker path. No question it has to do with my stressful childhood, but is that really all it is? I also think it has to do with denial. As in, I haven’t been willing to tell myself some hard truths. It’s almost like I gaslight myself. Instead of just saying to myself, stay away from X, it’s not good for you my relentless little heart says, no, no, this is fine, it will get better. I’m sure that’s a coping mechanism for sitting in a childhood rife with dysfunction, but I’m not a child anymore. 

Lately, perhaps because I have newfound strength thanks to God (or Good), I have been more willing to just say to myself, bluntly, that person never loved you and is only looking for attention or so-and-so will never make you feel safe, walk away and it turns out, I can take it. I actually need my internal, Good-supported self to speak frankly or even harshly to me sometimes. This is a bad habit you have, knock it off or simply stop that. 

It’s almost like I’m starting to provide myself with the authoritative parenting I never received. As a child of back-to-the-land hippies, I am the product of overly permissive parenting to a T. I probably need some sort of t-shirt that reads “Product of Free Love and Money Doesn’t Matter, Man.” 

So, of course, my inner child is not a very good listener. I still willfully do dumb stuff that I know is going to hurt me, even while my inner parent looks on with a weary sigh, knowing full well I am about to run into a brick wall of unpleasant consequences. Fortunately, with God (or Good) at my side, those consequences are less about self-criticism and more about, okay, what did we learn here and did we really learn it? It’s just easier to be kind to myself through ups and downs, because I feel worthy of Good and supported by it. 

As I tune further and further into my spiritual life, I do feel more prepared to just turn right when told to turn right, as opposed to seeing a sign and then running straight to the left, tripping, falling into mud, getting mad at myself about the mud, getting mad or lacking faith in Good (or God) because of the mud, cleaning myself up, and then heading to the right with resentment and bitterness that the wrong (read: left) path didn’t work out. 

I literally said a prayer yesterday that I would’ve have been incapable of saying or heeding three months ago, but I got an answer swiftly (i.e., within the same day). I literally prayed if this situation is Good for me, let it stay in my life. If it is not Good for me, let it dissolve. And by the end of the day, it dissolved. So by God, I’m going to agree with Good (or God) for once in my life, and just go where my prayer takes me.

Wish me luck, y’all.