Judgement Free Zone

The walking faithless among us (hello, yes, welcome everyone) are like little judgment and criticism machines, moving around in life evaluating everything. I know because I have been there and still fall into that same old trap on regular occasion. There is a very distinct and miserable difference between evaluating life and experiencing it. 

Judgment and criticism are very useful (note that I didn’t say productive) tools in the arsenal of self-defense. Worse still, criticism begets criticism. Judgment is almost always met with mutual judgment, unless we are saints or have experienced significant healing. 

This writing is not at all about achieving sainthood. I have been a giant BLEEP up by some standards, so its downright laughable for me to ask any of you, Dear Readers, to try to achieve something I myself cannot accomplish. 

But healing is actually something I am increasingly familiar with, and I have to give faith credit for that being possible and available to me. 

Have I been judgmental or critical? Oh, Lawd, have I ever. 

Am I still capable of it? You bet your booty. 

I find that sharp knife comes out of the drawer when I feel unsafe. Very often, it’s in response to real or perceived criticism from someone else. As a member of the traumatized majority (again, hello everyone), I have been operated as a bull in the social china shop of life, masquerading as if I have very thick skin, being highly critical of others, while also experiencing a slow, isolating death by 10 million paper cuts. It’s been a GREAT time. 

We are a highly critical culture. That old adage that people aren’t thinking about us because they’re too busy thinking about themselves is HORSEBLEEP and so invalidating. We’re all thinking so fast and so hard that we are judging the BLEEP out of ourselves and each other simultaneously. That’s how magnificent the human brain is, we can do it all. We can be miserable to ourselves and each other at the speed of light. 

So, how do we even begin to create safety in that kind of environment? Well, fortunately, we have options and, for once, it doesn’t actually start with ourselves. This is a system-wide problem, and many of us are unwittingly sitting in environments that are full of cynicism, bitterness, and cruelty without even noticing it. 

First, pay attention to the environments that you are operating in. Is your household full of criticism, judgment, control, or irritability? Is your workplace full of complaint, frustration, backbiting, or thinly veiled nastiness? Are you paying too much attention to the negativity in the news and ignoring the positive efforts to help others in your community? 

They say awareness is the first stage of change, so just paying attention to the judgment and criticism around us can do a world of Good in terms of making changes. And then, yes, we have to look inward and choose to fortify ourselves differently. This is where Faith comes in. 

Many of us do not have the luxury or privilege of changing our environments, particularly not right away. Rather than feeling stronger at the expense of others, we have to consider other options for strengthen ourselves. Do we want to practice mindfulness? Do we want to start self-soothing, positive self-talk, or re-parenting ourselves? Do we want to go back to school or re-invest in ourselves in some other way? Do we want to focus on hobbies? Meet new people? Go to therapy? 

The reason I feel like this conversation is relevant to finding Faith is that it’s hard to change habits or environments if we have no faith. It feels easier to endure the pain of what we know when there is no promise that things will get better if we try something new, either internally or externally.

Very often what happens is that it ends up being both. As we heal and have faith, we change. We also learn we have to change our environment. We can’t take everyone with us, which is sad, but also a giant BLEEPING relief. Everyone has their own work to do. Everyone. And, unfortunately and fortunately, we can’t choose to do it for them. 

The willingness to believe in Good (or God) changes everything. Not overnight, but eventually. Forcing ourselves to believe that the unknown will bring us better in the long-run feels like a big risk, but perhaps better that then spending a lifetime being cruel, bitter, or mean, inside and out.

Baby steps, people, baby steps to greatness. And remember, this is not about sainthood, this is about healing.