Accountability is Key
There are a few keys to faith, and accountability is definitely one of them. It’s not exactly a walk in the park or the most delightful ride, but it also seems like another step in the process that only turns up when we’re ready for it. Faith is funny like that.
At a certain point, we get strong enough to really look around at the state of our lives and think, I did this and hold ourselves accountable. I am not a big fan of blame, but realistically we are responsible for the quality of the people we associate with and what kind of behavior we are willing to tolerate in friendships, family, and partnerships. Our financial decisions are our own, more often than not, as is the financial dependence we have on other people.
My intention is not to blame any victims, and no one is responsible for someone else’s abusive behavior. Across the board, if any of us have ever been subject to emotional, psychological, or physical abuse, the perpetrator of that abuse carries the full responsibility for that behavior. Often, we don’t even know how we got in such situations or why we stay in them, but there are many among us who are doing just that and I pray for each and every one.
We have real reasons for staying in circumstances that do not serve us - fear, finances, isolation, love, children. All of those are logistically very difficult to overcome, particularly if we are lacking faith, but overcome them we must, one way or another.
There are resources, there are options, there is something for anyone and everyone, but it’s hard to break free if the situation is completely lacking in accountability, which it often is in the circumstances of trauma and abuse. Faith gives us an opportunity to believe we may be worthy of better, and break away from toxic cycles, be they internal, external, or both.
Refusing a way out or sitting in it far longer than we should is common, particularly for those with a history of trauma or abuse. There is resistance to leaving the horrors we know for the unknown. We think it might get better. We can make different choices to improve the situation. We can convince the other person to see our value or to change. We can work harder.
Taking any accountability in a bad situation is hard. It feels like self-blame. It feels like we’re at fault. In reality, it’s an opportunity to ask ourselves How did I get here? In the recovery community, they ask the same question in a different way: What is my part in this?
Inevitably, the answer to such questions almost always involves very common, practical limitations like a lack of resources, a power imbalance, or a social system built around denying, ignoring, absolving, or participating in the toxic behavior.
Faith gives us enough strength to imagine we are destined for more or better. How did I get here? is a precursor to many other important questions: Do I want this for myself? Do I want to keep doing life this way? How do I get out? How do I stop this? How do I stop living like this? How do I get what I want? How do I get what I need?
Eventually, those questions and a little bit of faith turns into statements like I won’t do this anymore. I am done. This doesn’t work for me. This doesn’t serve me. This is bullBLEEP.
And it is bullBLEEP. We just have to get to a place where we can see bullBLEEP for what it is, even if it’s all around us, even if we are standing in a field of it. We may even have the strength to consider our role in how we came to be standing in this big ole pile of bullBLEEP, and get to work finding a way out.
Faith in ourselves, faith in the future, and a hefty portion of forgiving ourselves for not having the awareness, strength, or support to avoid it in the first place is part of this process. It’s part of growth and change. It’s a byproduct of building, keeping, and having faith.
If you or anyone you know is experiencing domestic violence of any kind, help is available: https://www.thehotline.org