Leaps of Faith

The expression “leap of faith” is hilarious to me, probably because it’s often proffered to totally faithless people as an option for solving a problem. You just gotta take a leap of faith, people say to support those of us going through something painful and suffering serious doubts about the future. Meanwhile, usually the main reason we are suffering so much about where we are now and what might happen next is because we are completely lacking in faith. 

Let me just simply say: Cart. Horse. 

Most of us who start experimenting with faith have to cause ourselves so much mental, emotional, and even physical anguish that we are forced to believe in something better, because we have no other options. This is what recovery programs call “rock bottom” and it is NOT a good time. 

But it doesn’t necessarily have to be like that. I firmly believe we can all start experimenting with faith before we’ve destroyed ourselves and ruined everything. We are allowed to believe much earlier than that, but our own traumatic histories make us feel unworthy of it. Usually this has to do with childhood trauma, but not always. It is so hard to believe in Good (or God) if someone we needed and loved caused us harm. How can there be Good (or a God) if that is also possible on this planet and in this lifetime? 

Well, as I have written before and as I will continue to write, whomever has ever caused you serious harm was operating from a complete lack of faith. There is no God (and certainly no Good) in whatever place they were existing in at that time. How could there be? Neglect, abuse, manipulation, terror, harm all come from a place that lacks Good (or God). The two cannot co-exist, just as darkness is abolished by light. It’s not an excuse, but that lack of Good or God in them should not prevent us from believing in God or Good itself. That’s just perpetuating the lack of belief, the lack of faith, the lack of Good or God. Isn’t it liberating to know we can allow ourselves to have faith even if they did not? 

Right now, I am in a period of significant healing, change, and growth, and no one ever told me about the amount of grief involved in that process. It’s hard to let go of the infrastructure we have created around us, even if (and often especially if) it is a toxic one. Relationships, friendships, workplaces all need to be re-evaluated as we start to have faith, feel better, and believe. 

The worst part is, our growth is an expression of faith, so we have to have it even as we shed people, places, or things that no longer serve us and our well being. Faith, as I have come to experience it, is basically an upward spiral, a self-fulfilling prophecy in a positive direction, an invisible staircase leading up. We have to take steps with confidence while basically being blindfolded, not actually sure that the next stair upward will appear. But, aaaaaahhhhhhhh, the delight and relief when we find solid footing beneath each step. 

Perhaps faith isn’t really about leaping at all. Scary! In my experience, it’s actually just about steps upward and onward.  They don’t have to be steady or self-assured or full of confidence when we start. We can reach out for the handrail. We can try to feel around with our feet first. We can have doubts. But once we hit the first few through faith, meditation, prayer, and paying attention, then the climb becomes easier and easier. 

I am about to actively choose not to spend time with certain people, because my faith and goals in life do not support it. It feels like a lonely choice, a limiting choice, but I also know deep down that the lonely and limiting choices have been staying where I am, with them, and not asking more of my friendships and relationships. I also know in my heart that I have been praying about growth, change, expansion, and this is part of the process. I have to make room for more in my life, while grieving the people, places, and things I have to give away. 

No one said growth was easy, but neither is staying the same. I credit my pursuit of having faith with the willingness to suffer the new pain of growth, rather than the same old pain in the same old places with the same old people and things. 

Baby steps, baby steps, baby steps.