My First Real Test

Welp, everyone, we broke up. For all of my readers out there (hey, mom), I regret to inform you that my partnership could not withstand the tide of darkness I brought with me into the relationship, merged with that of his.

I believe we created a rip tide, sucking anything good or nice or wonderful between us down into the depths below. Oddly, I appear to be using an analogy he would really hate, because he hates open water. Not intentional. This was the first relationship I’ve ever had where I felt very much on the verge of really good things. I thought he was one of them and would be excited to join me in my adventures in having faith, but alas, it is not so.

The most interesting part of it was feeling like the positive one in the situation. Like, whoa, hold up, bro. We got a really good thing going here, what exactly is happening right now? In my youth, as a nonsensical, whirling dervish of pain, a couple of perfectly good relationships got sucked down into the drain of darkness because I simply could not have faith. Recently, I have become acutely aware that a self-fulfilled prophecy can be either bad or good. It’s all about what we choose to focus on, and that energy builds and builds, be it upward or downward.

This time, it was really hard to watch this wonderful man make choices that reinforced all his fears or concerns about our relationship. I will admit, I am guilty of doing the same thing with him for a time. In hindsight, what we were attracted to in each other was the fact that we had both lived through difficult, darker times. We were attracted to our stories of hardship, and that is a dangerous game. Then it becomes about who’s life is harder or darker, and the prophecy starts building down.

But lately I had been doing so gall darn well with all of it. I have so much faith, so much hope for the future, so much excitement for what’s to come, so much love for him, and I could tell that he basically found all this optimism and enthusiasm really BLEEPING annoying.

It’s tough. A real loss. I love him and I am going to miss him so much. But I credit my commitment to having faith (cataloged here), regular listening to positive self-talk via the Self-Talk Plus app, and almost ten years of concerted effort to live a life I can be proud of (parenthood is incredibly motivating) with the fact that, for the first time ever, immediately post breakup, my positivity and hope for the future is intact. My multi-dimensional perspective taking is available to me, my forgiveness for both of us is real.

I said a prayer before he came over here. A real one, like got on my knees on the hardwood floor, because I knew I would need a lot of help. And I got a lot of help, even though I do not have him in my life anymore. They say sometimes that rejection is the Universe protecting us from something, and I believe that. It’s either protecting us from someone else or what someone else brings out in us. Either way, I am so grateful for the time I spent with this man. My only hope is that he starts to believe in Good the way I do, and perhaps some day in the future, we can believe in Good together.