On Change & Growth

Many of us walking around without faith are doing so wondering why we struggle with change. Often, we also wonder the same things about others. 

First of all, I’m not sure a lot of change is possible without faith that the outcome of all that effort is going to be an improvement. If we’re walking around without faith (i.e., without feeling safe, without confidence, in fear, etc.) why in the BLEEP would we imagine that a lot of time and energy (and often money) spent would actually go in our favor? 

So, say we do develop at least an inkling of faith. A willingness to believe that this all could work out well for us, particularly if we just keep believing in the possibility of better. Then, we actually have to do the work to get there, and when I say it’s a lot of work, I mean it is a LOT of work. 

The most disconcerting thing about change and growth is it does exactly what it is meant to do - it changes who we are - and if that’s not disconcerting, I don’t know what is. 

As I have gone through all of this healing and growth and change, I have had to question basically everything to make sure all the values, needs, memories, habits, relationships, goals, literally the constitution that is me, belongs in my experience. 

My own therapist likens our experience, particularly our relationships, to a clubhouse. We have a set of rules for our clubhouse, and if others cannot follow the rules, they don’t belong in the clubhouse. They can find another clubhouse where the rules work better for them, if they don’t want to live by our standards and rule set. 

I have taken the metaphor one step further and started looking around at all the junk that is in my clubhouse. Does this book belong here? Does this memory covered in cobwebs need another look? Everything is up for evaluation and I have noticed that a lot of the stuff I have been living with for YEARS IS NOT MINE. 

So, there has been a bit of a spiritual cleaning house happening in this process. There is a lot of BLEEP in the yard in a pile, tossed out and no longer my problem. I have brought other things into my clubhouse that I know belong to me. They are mine, they are me. 

But I do remember a time, standing in my own skull, particularly at the start of healing and cultivating faith (the two coincided for a reason and they shall not be twain) and thinking, Wait, who am I really? Who am I without all this posturing? Who am I without trying to prove my value or worth to others? What happens now? 

My relationships have changed. My work has changed. My life has changed. All because I have. Fortunately, it doesn’t happen over night. It happens with a million moments of awareness and thousands of opportunities to try and have, then keep the faith. We don’t have to tackle it all at once, which is a real blessing. We just have to keep trying to believe.