On Compassion

I have been thinking a lot about compassion lately, and similar to forgiveness, I really struggled with even a basic grasp of the concept for a variety of anger-related reasons. 

Let’s be real, it’s pretty difficult to be even remotely compassionate or forgiving if we are angry as BLEEP. And, let me tell you, I have been real angry in my life. I walked around for at least a decade being perpetually irritable. It was exhausting. Life experience tempered that a little bit, but only faith and healing has brought me real peace.

A lot of us are quite angry with the world or society or other people or our partners, and whether we are aware of it or not, with ourselves. When it comes right down to it, usually it’s because we feel unsafe. I know that was my problem.

I felt obligated to stay in relationships that caused me a lot of pain, because I didn’t have enough faith that I could develop better relationships with safer people in the future. I searched endlessly for work that was meaningful, driven by some sort of demon that made me feel restless and on edge almost all the time. None of it worked.

It did not even occur to me that part of the issue was that I lacked safety in my surroundings. I was attracted to unhealed people who followed predictably unpredictable patterns and regularly exercised cruelty. I kept trying to prove myself worthy of harsh environments, like a clown being mocked at some sort of depraved, dark circus. 

It took a couple of rock bottoms, each one worse than the last, and a perpetual search for faith for me to finally realize no amount of clown makeup was going to make me feel better. No amount of posturing or partying or putting on a mask was going to make anyone like me, least of all myself, and I could just rest for a little while. 

Faith helped me feel safe enough to start following a path to authenticity. Faith helped me have compassion for myself and all the masquerading I had done trying to fit in or feel normal or understand others, when I barely understood myself. And most importantly, faith helped me realize that I am definitely not the only one. 

There is a lot of bravado or armor or posturing or partying meant to mask a lot of pain in our culture. Rest assured, the people who are treating us terribly are doing the same to others, and worse, they are doing it to themselves. That isn’t an excuse, but faith brought me to a place of compassion for all of us caught in that terrible dance.