On Loneliness vs. Being Alone

There is something about being alone that irks the restless spirit. We are social animals, and particularly due to social media, very conscious of just how many human beings are on this planet, what kind of fun they are having, and even what other people ate for breakfast just this morning. 

But we are also very lonely creatures right now. So lonely, in fact, that the US Surgeon General released an advisory on the epidemic of loneliness and isolation last year. Like many of us, I have long hated being alone. I have spent a lot of time going out of my way to create social activities or make plans or occupy my time with others, often to the point of exhaustion. 

But as my spiritual life has developed, and certain parts of my life have flourished as a result, I feel newly inspired and perhaps even brave enough to make an effort to enjoy being alone. I think many people are lonely because we are afraid of togetherness. We are afraid of rejection. We are afraid of judgment. That fear is justifiable. Humans are becoming increasingly anxious, judgmental, unforgiving animals, and I think that mentality rests upon an inability to love and forgive ourselves, which translates into an inability to love and appreciate each other. 

I know I sound a bit like a broken record, but this is also a blog about finding faith, so can you imagine what I think the solution to loneliness might be? You guessed it: cultivating a spiritual practice. Developing a little faith. The goal is actually not to just better endure loneliness. The end game actually is connection with others, but I don’t think we can break free from loneliness without first reframing being alone. 

For me, being alone used to feel like standing on the edge of a cliff, looking out over a black abyss. It made me feel uneasy, as if I were somehow in peril, and so I regularly turned away from any time spent alone. 

Now that I have some faith and genuinely just like my life, myself, and my future a bit more, I’m also willing to test out enjoying being alone. I have been saying to myself, I like being alone. I want alone time. I need alone time. I want to be alone. There is some skeptical part of me that is also saying, surrrreeee, you’re just telling yourself that because no one is texting you right now, but I also know that skeptic is kind of a BLEEP. 

Mind you, I spend a lot of time praying for myself, praying for other people, listening to Positive Self-Talk, reading affirmations, meditating, and socializing, but acting as if I enjoy being alone might be the hardest (and most important) part of any day. I just don’t think I will ever get to a place of genuine calm, genuine appreciation for all the good, genuine stability, genuine faith, if I don’t find a way to see the good in all of it. I think one of the most promising parts of faith and feeling better is reaching a point where we see the benefits of everything life brings us, even the hardships. 

So lately, I have been walking around telling myself that I like being alone, that I need to be alone sometimes, that being alone is part of my spiritual process and one of the most important layers to building and connecting with faith. It’s harder to pray in a crowded room. It’s easy to disconnect from our spiritual selves when we’re obsessing over our phones. Meditation can be done anywhere, but at least some of the time focusing on our breath needs to include some quiet. 

And the strangest part about all this appreciation for alone time is that I am starting to really savor my time with my people. I am starting to feel more connected when I am together with others. I feel better about myself and my future, and therefore I seem to be enjoying the present even more. Because I am not always looking for the next thing coming as a temporary balm for some visceral internal wound, I am seated more firmly in myself and more able to appreciate others as they are. 

I am no expert in this. I am just a giant, hairless guinea pig on a wandering spiritual quest. If you are lonely, like so many of us seem to be these days, I would highly recommend testing out faith as you define it. Once you’ve gotten a little bit of time with it under your belt, it may be worth experimenting with enjoying solitude for what it can be, which is an opportunity to get to know and like yourself and like being alone a little bit better. It can also be a way to connect even further to faith. Who knows, after that, you may just like yourself and your life well enough to feel better about authentic connection with others.