On Perfectionism
I am definitely not perfect. I have made a lot of mistakes in my life and I continue to make them. I’m not even sure where our collective preoccupation with perfection came from. My first thought was blame the media! but I would venture to guess that humans have long had the habit of comparing ourselves to others.
And is it really perfectionism or is it just betterism. Are we expecting perfection from ourselves and each other or just hoping for better or different? They aren’t exactly the same thing. Equally problematic, betterism is almost more poisonous, because it seems attainable. If only someone worked harder or made better choices. If only we had nicer skin or made more money, then we could be happy or kind or have faith.
Lately… what am I saying, lately? Always. I have always been struggling against certain conditions in my life. I have always been guilty of being preoccupied with betterism. My mind has been filled with if only this or I wish for that. Now that I have some semblance of faith, however small, I am inclined to aim God right at the problem. Make this different for me, please, and hop to it! I am pretty sure that isn’t how God operates.
There is no doubt in my mind God or Good or the Universe will change everything in my life and resolve all the issues, but I am also vaguely aware (and still somewhat bitter) that it will not happen on my timetable. And therein lies the rub. It turns out it’s possible to have faith and still be struggling against God or Good or the Universe. It’s possible to believe in the best outcome and still find a way to whine about it. Kind of hilarious, really.
A lot of religious faiths talk about the idea of acceptance, as does the recovery world, and that is starting to feel like the next phase in having faith. It’s a little daunting, because acceptance feels a bit like resignation if we have no hope for the future. But I have a lot of hope right now and I’m exhausted by the lifelong struggle with betterism. So, this is my commitment to just putting all that down. I am done with the struggle. For the next however long it takes, part of building my faith will be accepting people, places, things, events, activities, my past, my present, my future, exactly as it is.
My guess is this is the key to unlocking another level of faith. It requires commitment (and probably a fair amount of deep breathing, let’s be real… or maybe not, we shall see). But, why not? If I have faith in God or Good and the future, why not give up the fight and see what happens? I am willing in the name of this grand experiment and my deepening commitment to true faith, but Good God, to be honest, it feels a little bit scary.
Pray for me.