What is Love?

For many in the self-help world, self-love seems to be the ultimate goal (go figure), but for the walking faithless, that’s kind of a big ask. I remember walking around without faith, feeling generally pretty miserable all the time, and vaguely aware that I wasn’t even sure what love IS let alone how to conduct it or acquire it from others or offer it to myself. I am fairly sure people in my life loved me, but I was such a confused, raw nerve that I didn’t understand it, couldn’t feel it, and was pretty well convinced both they and I were doing it all wrong. 

This is what trauma does to us, particularly inter-generational trauma. It makes “love” a double-edged sword, fraught with peril and poison, sometimes despite very good intentions. I want to re-state here that I firmly believe that the people with the darkest hearts, doing the most harm to those around them, are functioning that way because of their complete disconnection from Good (or God). They are furthest from the light, lost in darkness, and I have a lot of pity for them. What a horrible life to live out there in the black, their souls filled with malice or anger or hatred, usually for themselves first and then for everyone else. 

But I digress. 

I have only become more comfortable with being loved and loving others as I have cultivated faith. I’m not exactly sure why, other than that I feel safer now, more comfortable in my own skin, more positive, and more tolerant of others.

I have also become more comfortable with giving people, places, or things the boot, so to speak, because I have a better sense of what love is and what it very much is not. I am less tolerant of behavior that causes me harm (both from myself and from others), and more certain about my own path forward. Without faith, I really struggled to find my way out of any metaphorical paperbag, let alone follow my instincts (an instinct?! insert cynical chortle here).

I get the sense that love feels very difficult for many, but that’s often because we are preoccupied with control, with certainty, with being right, with getting things our way, which are all symptoms of a lack of faith. 

We all move WAY too fast - we have technology that moves at the speed of light, so why shouldn’t we? Meditation and mindfulness is an exercise in the opposite. Slowing down enough to be here now. Right now. Just in this, here, right now. It is so hard to do and SO important, but I also understand why so many of us struggle to make it a priority. Why would any of us want to sit still or be here now if we have no faith? That’s like asking us to sit still in the dark, stop looking for light, warmth, or safety, and just wait for something awful to come for us, usually from within, and unfortunately for many, from without. 

I only started to get better at slowing down after I spent a lot of time with faith and prayer. I couldn’t even imagine being still until I had a little faith in Good (or God). Only then did meditation started to feel like sitting down in front of a campfire in the dark, instead of sitting on the edge of a void. Lately, I have been using meditation to get to know myself better, because the dark corners of my mind feel like safer places to explore.  

So, what is love? I’m not quite sure I have a complete definition, yet. If or when I do, I will share it here with you. But in the meantime, for anyone equally uncertain, I would recommend starting smaller than that, with Good (or God) first, as a path to someday knowing and defining love for yourself.