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There is no question that sometimes, faith is confusing.

This is the primary weapon cynics use against having faith. It’s a lot easier to be sarcastic and believe that the world is falling apart, because that’s what we are told by modern media every day.

Many of us are entrenched in the dark messaging of American culture. We get irritated by faith, happiness, positivity, or optimism. Let’s be real, nobody likes the canary in the coal mine, singing in the darkness. Everyone down there kind of wishes it were dead, so the whole thing could just go up in smoke. 

Faith is actually kind of easy to have in that it only requires one thing: belief. All of us have the ability to just one day say BLEEP IT, and decide that we, too, are worthy of all the Good things God has to offer. The most annoying part is that as soon as we start to have faith, Good (or God) starts showing up in our lives. I have all sorts of thoughts on why that happens, but the short version is it just does.

Faith is hard in that it requires a contrary spirit. It requires going against the current, modern American flow. It requires some obstinance. And, yes, it requires some blindness. We have to turn a blind eye against all the messaging telling us that everything is falling apart, that we must despair, that the other side (of what, exactly? Humanity? Don’t get me started) wants to destroy us. We have to be willing to be different. Which is kind of scary, even when the herd seems pretty miserable.

We have to start actively looking for, praying for, and being a part of something else. Faith. Hope. Love. Community. Patience. Forgiveness. Grace. Generosity. Brotherhood, Sisterhood, Motherhood, Fatherhood, Usness, Weness, Themhood - call it what you will. 

It takes some internal fortification not to panic when things appear to be going wrong. It takes some belief that even if things don’t work out, there is a valuable lesson in the short-term and a destiny we deserve in the long. 

I am in a relatively confusing place in my life. There is a great deal going very well and very right. I am proud of myself in ways I never thought possible even ten years ago. I finally feel worthy of my dreams and I am living them in many ways. I feel more connected to my authentic self, more positive and in control of my emotional responses, more able to meet the challenges of tomorrow, and I attribute all of it to an obstinate search for faith. In many, many ways, I feel I have arrived. 

But I also regularly wonder, What in the BLEEP is God (or Good) up to right now? or Lawd, is this really necessary?

Sure, I have faith, but I also have doubt. I definitely have far less doubt than I did even three years ago. I am SO grateful for that, because the doubt I experienced living without faith was recurring and cyclical and endless and exhausting. As a youth, I made myself sick with worry and fear, and I am very happy to report that just doesn’t happen to me anymore.

Do I question God (or Good)? Oh, sure.

I don’t question whether or not I have faith or if it’s useful any more. I have rounded a corner on firm belief regardless of circumstances, which is a lifelong dream only recently achieved. But I am definitely still regularly confused about things that happen in my life. I wonder what Good (or God) is “up to” in plenty of situations and what lessons I might need to learn from sticky circumstances or irritating outcomes. 

One thing that regularly happens is that instead of getting what I prayed for, I find the internal strength to really look at why I’m praying for something in the first place. I get fortified to make changes for myself, and answer my own GD prayers, which is always a kick in terms of outcomes. 

This is a long way of saying having faith doesn’t miraculously solve all your problems or spoon feed you all the answers. What’s the fun in that?! It also doesn’t have to be about a white bearded wizard calling all the shots. It can be, but it doesn’t have to be. It can also just be a stubborn little belief that we will get the things we pray for (one way or another), particularly if we start looking for, moving towards, and doing Good in our own lives.