Day 16

I have to say, despite some real emotional turmoil lately, I still feel very good about the future. I still have a lot of faith in myself and positive outcomes. This doesn’t mean I walk around like some sort of insane, saccharine version of the Joker, always smiling, but with less makeup and violence. I cried my little BLEEP off this morning (is it fun, sometimes, guessing which profanity goes in the fill in the blanks? I sure hope so).

I am feeling extra dumb about investing energy in someone who didn’t believe in me and couldn’t see my vision of our life and future together. It just feels bad and there’s no other way around it, but through it. But, because of my own upward trek toward openness, hopefulness, positivity, and light, I can also see that this failed relationship was far better than the previous, that I am getting better at this, that I have lessons I need to learn, that I can’t haul other people out of the dark or their own bad habits, and the next opportunity will be even better and more aligned with the future I see for myself. I’m even starting to believe in soul mates, that’s how good this is starting to get for me.

I didn’t get here overnight. Two years ago, I read The Universe Has Your Back by Gabby Bernstein and, as cliche as it sounds, that book helped me change my life. It made me believe I was allowed to believe in myself and the power of good around me, in whatever shape it takes or whatever I want to call it. Part self-help, part New Age wisdom, part recovery, her book is worth a read if you’re seeking material on how to have just a little faith.

The trick with faith, as I’ve written before, is that it’s like a campfire in a dark forest. Once you see it, it’s hard to ignore, forget, or walk away from. It draws you near, warms you, and changes your experience of your surroundings. Gabby’s work made me start to have real hope that I could use my writing talent to help others and bring them closer to the fire.

Someday, I would like to shake that woman’s hand.