On Anger
Recently, I noticed… learned… realized… that anger seems deeply tied to invalidation. If we grow up in or find ourselves in environments where we are told we aren’t making sense, we have no power, we have to accept things as they are even if they are deeply unjust, our emotions aren’t real or how we feel doesn’t matter, it can lead to profoundly angry feelings and behavior.
The hard part is, many of us are actually operating in environments where workplaces treat us like we barely matter through pay or hours or both, where partners ignore or invalidate our feelings over troubling behavior, where we see injustices in our culture and feel like we can do very little about it beyond rant on the internet.
Anger isn’t really a solution either, it’s a symptom.
It all comes back to setting boundaries, which is hard to do if we have issues with feeling unworthy or fears of being dumped or fired or otherwise replaced. It’s hard to stand up for ourselves when the footing feels soft beneath us.
At this point, I genuinely feel like faith is the antidote for all things, and not just because I am writing this blog. Deciding to believe in Good (or God) and a willingness to experiment with belief has been deeply rewarding for me in ways I couldn’t have imagined. It’s almost like deciding we are worthy of all the Good things in life and then starting to look around to see if they turn up. And, of course, if we’re looking for it, it does in fact arrive. Whether that’s God (or Good) acting our lives or a little cognitive reframing doesn’t really matter to me. What matters is that we see it. We may also find there is plenty of Good in our lives already, we just haven’t been paying attention.
And once that awareness settles in and perhaps even becomes a habit, it provides a sense of stability or worthiness that allows us to set boundaries and ask for better. In hindsight, that seems like a natural progression, but previous to having some semblance of faith, boundaries were a complicated thing for me. I was willing to tolerate pretty intolerable conditions, I wasn’t sure whether I deserved better or how to make that clear, and I have to admit that made me angry.
Now that I feel destined for Good things and like an active participant in my future, I am much more cognizant of and grateful for blessings as they arrive and manifest in my life. I give credit where it is due and practice gratitude more freely, because that just feeds the fire of faith. Gratitude just compounds the process, makes me more faithful, more positive, and more excited about what else may be in store. The more I focus on Good, the more I see and the more seems to turn up for me. I don’t exactly know why that is, but it’s real.
All of this ties back to anger, invalidation, and boundary setting in the following ways: if we believe we don’t deserve Good (or God) in our lives, we don’t imagine we can do better or have more. We’re willing to accept the status quo, less likely to make changes in ourselves and our behavior, and less willing to (respectfully) ask for more, different, or better.
But with faith, a better baseline is established, hope for the future becomes a reality, and the most important factor is, we start to see and believe that we are worthy of better. This becomes the foundation for setting boundaries, because we have the strength to move on from a bad job or a negative partner or an otherwise toxic situation, because Good (or God) is looking out for us, and we know we will land with our feet firmly planted on faith, no matter the next adventure.
So, the next time you feel angry, look at the circumstances around you and say a prayer. Start contemplating the life you want, and focus your energy on building that through faith. Faith, prayer, God, or Good is not necessarily a mechanism to endure the unendurable. It’s a way to set a foundation upon which to change ourselves, change our outlook, and when necessary, to start feeling worthy of making changes in our lives and the world around us.