On Seeking

There are so many of us out there driven by some sort of restless demon. Something never feels quite right and there’s always a problem to solve, often in themselves and in the people around us. Nothing is ever good enough or right. In the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson these people are often called Externalizers. 

I can’t sit still. 

There is always more to do. 

I feel better when I check things off my list. 

Then there are others who seem to have no driver at all. Listless, almost incapable of getting out of bed, full of apology and anger, they know about the list, but they see no point in the to do list. Somewhere deep in their hearts, they don’t understand the point of any of it, because they are bound to get it wrong. 

What’s the point? 

Why even bother, it will fail anyway. 

You tried that before and it was a disaster. 

This mentality often belongs to Internalizers in Gibson’s book. The question is, Which one are you?

Now, I am aware that rarely does humanity ever actually fall into two categories. Things are never black and white and it is dangerous to try and make them so, but often people can see themselves when categories are offered or symptoms are listed.

Interestingly, men or masculine people are often externalizers, which makes sense given how much work is expected of men and masculine people to define themselves. And, surprise, surprise, women and feminine people often internalize, which makes sense given how frequently women and feminine people criticize and talk themselves out of opportunities. 

Either way, all of us on this spectrum are searching for something we cannot find internally. Some of us have stopped searching or don’t even know where to look (internalizers). Others have overturned every rock, stone, relationship, job, and drug (sex, money, and/or actual drugs) to find it.

Either way, I would argue that what most of us actually need is safety. 

What’s the opposite of insecurity? Most people say confidence, but it’s actually security. How is possible to feel confident if we don’t feel safe or stable first?

It is common in people with symptoms of ADHD to benefit from something called “body-doubling” which is basically just getting stuff done while someone else is around. Chores, homework, work-work, hobbies, they just like having another being around. It allows them to focus more and be more effective. Some people think this is about accountability or being effective or improving focus, but that, to me, is sort of ignoring the gorilla in the room. We’re primates. It’s not really that surprising that many of us don’t actually work very well on our own. People with ADHD often suffer from trauma of one kind or another. Having someone else around is soothing. 

It’s wild - we expect small children to do homework at home, often all on their own, perhaps with a little adult involvement if they have that good fortune. Many adults work from home, sometimes all alone, and it may make them more effective… but does it? Just as many employers ask people to come into the office, then separate staff by cubicles and bifurcate work that could be done in pairs or groups.

We talk about the problem of isolated males quite a bit these days, which is a very good thing, but we also need to talk about how women often diminish, minimize, or isolate themselves socially throughout a lifetime, and how raising children in a vacuum (which predominantly falls to women) is hurting partnerships and families. It all ties together, and it’s effecting our collective relationships, distress tolerance, and ability to have healthy conflicts. 

And I, of course, think that faith can be a tool in the toolbox to help with some of this. Until we start solving this cultural problem of isolation, bifurcation, and conflict, we have to create a sense of safety where we can, starting within ourselves. Faith, prayer, meditation, and self-soothing in the form of positive self-talk, validation, and reassurance can go a long way toward a better way.

Mental health feels complicated and therapy can feel scary, but it also can be lovely, soothing, and healing. It often is about helping people establish internal security. We may all just need to feel safe. Safe enough to slow down or safe enough to start, which starts to sound like:

It’s okay, I can start small and see what happens. 

I got a lot done today, I can be proud of myself. 

If I make a mistake, I can figure it out and try again. 

Look at how much work we got done today. 

I am so impressed with his attitude.

I needed so much help today and I’m glad I asked for it. 

So, the next time you’re self-flagellating or feeling overwhelmed, the next time you feel restless or don’t know where to start, start within. Slow down. Deep breaths. Kind words. And if you are so inclined, prayer. Help me calm down. Help me see the Good. Help me. 

And think about the body-doubling thing. Have you isolated yourself? Has work isolated you? Has someone else cut you off from others? Have you cut yourself off? What do you need, besides faith, to feel safe?